must create nice bevel buttons and add logo to go here at top of page. [an dont forget the sochul networks like tweeter and facebok stuff so we deffo go vIRAL on yor asz]
THAT'S BOLLOCKS THAT IS!top of page
|Twenny first centtury -must devlop mobile version of site as an APP which is multi level location aware geolocation GPS direction sensing gaydar locked bluetoothed and stuff what can liaisie in a cutting edge way with all chat and socal networking sites like facbook and twiter etcetra and know here you are a user so log you in and earn you points and discout codes autermatically as you move about the planit and keep a record or your paths and travels autermattically fotograpnig and recording to the CLOUD all what you heve been doing and where and what time and pout you as a marker moving on 3d hologram maps of planet earth and tweet to your facebook bebo stuff each time you scratch your anus or whatever so you can been contacted by all your freindsbook and email addresses which you have entered intor our SECURE HTPSS miliray encycypted login acreen so dave can add you to the mobi 419 scammers list and get some payback from nigerians for all the html5 what we have had toi learn to make everything work web three point 0 +.
Must be as an Andriod windoews 7 and 8 internet expoloorer api to be compatible with CHROME Gogel and nokias blackberrys and HTC fones as well as pagers and devices yet to come to maket like pads and nextbooks and tablets using orange and green as dominiant colors is best and to have LIKE RECOMMEND and TWEETME buttons on everything so were fully cross platfoerm compatible across the board and all round the planet with developing markets like the sub continentals and sri lanker and places where the internet is just a nest egg developemnt into a global fernonemone.
best upgarde the dancing hampsters so they don't need flash plug in what steevie jobs hates like adobe and then we can go viral across the globe and get the singing voice over man what was on CNN to do and intro in the deep radio man voice andthen get loooads of PR and get that welsh women suzie boyle with the mustache to sing the song what the hamptsres are dansing to and then get released as a globoviral number one track on itunesplayer at 59p what we can split wuth apple and get some in app ads on there from app.mobi.whatever and start coining it in a bit more cos dave needs to get that medicin from canada to enhance his britling or seiko omega watch disease on his whenger.
we can get some seedfunding for TWTR wher we do an app wot is just a rip off of tweeter but LIMITS the poonters to only having 90 characeters in each posting so it is like retro wayback from before even nokias 9610 and gets dead trended as we wus the first to corner spot tis nichemarket and get a gloabal trademark patent lowyers on ours side no winno no fees so they are getting some coins as well us each time there ius an app what even comes newar to touching our intelectul property rights in our uniqe app and get a leer jet to go to meetings in the tiawan factory and malaysia or wherever yhe girlsboys dance on the bars for a prawn sandwich.
Dave says we can devlop sub liminal web ads what are on screen so quick and off that no one id see them but are emebbid in the sub conscius so later theyt are trigrred by a signal or noise or text ringtone sound and they are hypnomemsemerised into buying whatever or product we have sublimo flashed into their cerbellum and its embedded there for months like if you do a cookie force on IE 6 like we did the first hampsters but no one knew and then dave went and messed with the code so that thing hapeneed with the paypal account and wilkileanks got banned and sent to guantanomo.
and stuart says hes finished the ipspoof so we can hide everything from every bodies prying internet snooping cos he has a massiv botnet all set to push feed all the datas across the clouds and keep it moving so no one of the data is ever in one place at one time what makes it impossibl to trace even a kilobitt because its like particl physics where even if you look at the datas it changes its state like an amoebo so its not there JUST becaues you looked for it like a tree falling the forest when no one is lsteing unless you listed than it does not fall because instead its a bear having a dump or a buttrfly flapping its wings effect so we are deffo in the clear unless they get that extradition paper for stewie but even then we can prob get him a wardialler to do the IT from his cell block if they have free Wifi.
|put a load of text here which is out of date and a few text links to web sites or sub pages which no longer exist.
MEMBERS LOGIN HERE
|Pictures, thats whet we need, lotsof pictures, best about 1024 x 768 pixel high res jpegs, but scaled on page to about > < this big so they take freeking AGES to download, and then loads of them sow even broadbanders think its slow and start complaining to theye ISPs and a sif that does any good.||make a thing here so it will pop up and say that this website is not optmised for your browser and suggest a different opearting system and platfrom browser so thay have to buy a new computer to hear the music and see the dancing chimpanzee.|
|put a thing here asking people to REGISTER and enter in all their details which we dont give toa third party even though there is no point in registering anyroad up as all the members get is loads of emails from us which have sponsored links in them to books on amazon and stuff we get a few pence for if someone clicks and then buys one withou sending it back later. It is important that WHATEVER the visitor chooses as a login is rejected and a set of unrememberable alternatives is offered with chack down boxes, if they choose one of these then the page must reject the password that they first thought of and entered by saying that it is already in use, then ask them for another but without leaving in the box the login name we gave them and if they have forgotten it aleady and cant enetr it correct then we will have COOKIED their machine and they will not be able to go to any websites which begin with a T except ours again until 31 dec 2009.
Put a HITCOUNTER here with a erally BIG NUMBER in it like you are visitor eight billoin and five thousand and a few so they think this is a really big site and loads of people in fact we can put like this:
Members currently online: 19203
in bold text so its big to see and then put some other stuf that we can think of like this to make it look like we are raelly BIG and even out some of them award graphcs here too like we have been sight of the week and stuff with gold awards and that. We could veen make a thing like that "myNetscape' or whatever so people can customise the page liek they like it not us and call it /MyBollocks/ but they can only do this if they are REGISTERED BONY-FIDE MEMBERS so they sign up and we get their details and stuff to send them the mailshots. We can sell em viagra and stuff, and even do the oild milk botlle increase your penis size scam - thats always a winner until people get onto it.
put a thing here for a DOUBLE YOUR DOWNLOAD SPEED free thing where we tell them you can COMBINE your UPLOAD speed and your DOWNLOAD speeds to make things twice as fast cos when you are downloading but dont have any upoads running then all that bandwidth is just sat there doing nothing so if they sign up members we give them instrcutions on how you set up your dial up networking [cos most of em run windows but if they have a mac or unix or something we give em SKY TVs customer service line number and then they press lots of button choice s and listen to hold music but think we must be a really big company and even if SKY catch us at this we can use another the same like vodafone or the GAS board or something to do this, but then we do not give the number unless thay have already signed up to membership so we have their stuff anyway. Even if they get through to a customer service person who does not know what the heck thay are on about they will just think this is normal] but if they divulge the secret to double the downloads speeds to a non member then they are black ballsed and we would know which one had passed it on because the text instructions has hidden secret algrithms like this page and we could track them down and expose thier misdemeanors and let people know that they are not to be trusted in the feedback area that thay cant see what we are saying in anymores cos they have been blackballsed out of there and even if they reregister in a assumed name we woudl know it is them beacuse our SERVER has tracked their keyboard habits when they type and compield this in a database and can identify them like DNA fingerprints anywhere in the world net and they cannot escape our chasing them down and unless they start learning to type with their whanger to disguise them selves we would get em anyway cos we would be looking for a whanger typist and there aint many of those apart from me and it werent me anyway cos I am Admin.
put a popup window that opens and offers free money in a Casino. 100 quid aught to do it, but make sure the punter has to deposit and bet at least 10,000k to get the money credit after 28 days.and they have to be MEMBERS here and the casino only works if they download the proprietry software and not on Win XP at all or 98 unless thay have SP1 fitted with new JVM and shockwave FLASH and that, but they cant get their money back unless they credit BACK through the same credit card number with both their membership number login things and then only through the propritry casino software bank interface thing.
need a thing here to offer a CD with ONE GAZILION FRESH EMAIL ADDRESSES - FREE!! on - thay only have to enter theyre amail addy and we promise to send em details, and then once a gazillion have enetered in the form we just sell em each others addressas free but charge for post and packing as if it was sent fro m tibuktoo so it will be alot on their credit card, and they cant complain cos we made em opt in and out a few times so they lost track of what they said yes or no to but we have it all databased in the Kayman islands so no one can do us for this ligitimate private enterprise even if they wanted to and no one bothers anyways.
pu a link or summet here to go back ter top of page as its a right ole scroller gettinb back up tere from right doen here but when theyy click it they are taken to 21 popuscreens from our porono affiliate sites with the super dialler whcih does the 0900 scam and we get 2 percent so well be COINING it.
pleeze help us keep alive by visiting our sponsers:
Grb loads of news stories from the web CSS feed whatever and hard code as html here to grab search spiders and get up town top rankings so we are one on gogle and yaho sites and get shitloads of hits like Russel Brand Johnathen Ross Obama Hilton tittes and whatever is on the today news. ask dean to do ths cos hes great at leechin stuf like what he did with the great credit crush of 2008 like mesoltamia whatever.
|put a load of search drop down boxes here so it looks like we have LOADS OF stuff, and they have to make a choice in EVERY box or whne they click the SEARCH buttin than the javasript sends em back to this page after wiping owt all their choicesso they have to start again. If they do enter in choices in every box then we show them a page what says ' searching.....' and the page name HTML stuff ends in .asp and spin round their mouse curser ball thing for ages. If they stay on this for more than 361 seconds then show page with 'no matches found' please broaden your search and then take em back to search boxes all to be selected again. This must have a few greyed out with 'members super search' or something like that on page near it so they think thay could be better if they were signed up to us.
put a thing here
what tells people to chose from the menu below to select a FREE CAR or something what they might like to have free but then send them somewhere else or to a dead page like this free television one cos people hardly ever read the text so we could even say that if you click FREE TELEVISION you will have chose to go look at some porno stuff and they have to click the little box that says they have agreed the TERMS AND CONDITIONS but we have already set it to clicked on anyways so there cant be no comeback on us, and we could say that they have to do the register thing and be an account holder on our ATM cash machine open 24/7 cos its virtual and the money comes out your printer so they are bound to join up and sign up.
we could do one of them things where people click HERE and we give a dollar to the cancer bone marrow lukemia research foundation of America things, theyre a good scam ane people mai them to each other and its like viral marketing stuff and we get loads of site traffic and anyroad up nobdy CHECKS to see if we did give the money and we could have load sof small print and stuff to cover our arses anyway and even say when they clsiked it that of there are a member we make a double contibution so they could do twice the good and all it costs them is nothing except signing up as a member account with us and then we can mail them and suggest other ways based on their data profile that they could be helping the world by using our ATM cash machine thing which has no charges for withdrawals for money from yur inkjet even if its forign currency and stuff.
A thing here what I have not thought up yet, but to get more people signing up members and using the CASH MACHINE-ATM thing and they can reccommend up to five freinds but NO MORE because we are a secret service and this is in the user agreement thing that they agreed and anyway it make s it look more special exclusive if they are limited numbers so they all feel special and this is not a MLM scam thing because eveything we do is no charge, even free to members which in all events they will have agreed to the agreement anyway so we are covered if there s any hassle, but they dont know who we are anyway because we are just a page on the internet and we canot be traced because dave has put links all over to this page which moves around and is sometimes in Russia and Cuba and places like the cayman islands where its tax free and we will end on the beach buting a boat and renting out wetbikes and having a right old time without old bill even having a chance to get us extridited like ronnie bigs and lord lucan and gary glitter. There wont be no proof anyways because it werent us any of it we dont even have a computer except that trs80 and that is not for going on the internet its for other stuff typing and print outs only.
Pet Semetary thing here where people can post testimonials and epitafs to their dead animals, these are a good spinner and we can post MIDI's of church dead music and make it moodish. If they are a BONO FIDO member then thay can post upload picsof their dogs and cats and parots and stuff. Need a java script or summat to email them on the anniversary of fidos untimely slippage from this mortal coil so they dont forget to come along and login to pay thier 'respec' and we can do this for humans too but his might be a bit sick if it aint done right and with the proper tact and that. I recon it might be best if we just did pets up to the size f a grate dane or maybe one of them big poodles that do the white dogshits and leave it at that for now. Mal has soem Wav files of animals like dogs barkin and cats being stranggeld so maybe we could use these and people coujld think they were communieng with theyre lost furry friends and send in donations or use the on screen cash machine to make a withdrawal and send some money to the Nigerian welfare fund ar whatever.
put a small thing here that is VERY important so people who scrolled to the bottom of thepage can win a chance to free stuff like a memorial in the pet cemetry even if their pet is not dead yet it will be valid fo r28 days so they might get lucky but it has no cash value.
Do a thing what asks people ter mail evryon in theyre mail adress book and help to locate parent of missing baby or child and then theyll do that and allmost of the wazzukes will CC instead of BCCing and when we trawal with out mailbot trojansmap malware grabber well have freking millions more up ter date addresses for our Nigerian generic Viagra sale offer links spam thing. Need s foto of sum sick kid or wehatever and then get massive simpathy votse and theyll deffo fall for that all of em. Thats a ight winner and seen it load sof times but it jest keeps on workin. Use some BOLD TEXT.
MISSING BOUY PHOTO
Add MAp o to Lord Lucan s houe and live update google maop tracking his cellphone so whe know his location annd people can add their own cstome icons and chase him live in cuyberspace on theyre iphones and minlaptops once hey have signed up for he newslterr and casine chips with free bets.
|Put more stuff here and here. Make text jump about and go bold and stuff with some of them CSS tag things. If people roll mouse over them.And it pops up adwindow to SIGNUP and get member benifits,
Put a load of stuff here with filthy words and swearing and stuff like the porno sites do but with the text the same colour as the background so people looking for trouser tash and that on the big search engines directry end up on our website but they cant see the mucky words and end up doing the registration box thing and we get a right big mailing list and that. some stuff could be on the grey out serach menu drop down any way like 'huge tits' and 'free naked stuff' and 'more' so they will do the registration and that.
Put a thing here which is a computer ATM cash machine thing so people enter in their credit card or debit cash card details and we tell them to enrter in how much cash they want to withdraw and tel them it wil come out of their printer. Then we can use these card details to bid and buy FURBIES on ebay and have them sent to daves cousins in Malta and have a right old laugh at them. This would have to be a bit convincing cos not many people sent money to those Nigerain blokes, so we would need some monospaced green text on Black so IT LOOKED real, and then the credit card numbers would havve to FormMaile.pl 'ed to a secret address but not with an old version beore 1.92 or all those email scamsters would start using it for spamming things like that penis extaension viagra stuff on our server and getting us a bad name with the mailserver ISP provider people., in fact it might be best if we scammed around and found some old site srunning CGIa and sussed out one like this oursleves, after all it tells you how to this in the set up # lines in the scripts anyroad so probbly we can just do it ourseleves dead easy and be more of a sucess than them Nigerians.
Make some moving gifs things here like the hampsters and that because people pass these on and come to the web page to get more. they only get the best one s if they are signed up MEMBERS, so we can make some that dont dance to good for non members to encourage them to signup because the hampsters fall down and stuff then just sit there is they launch them again they dont dance thatmuch they have a hyperlink what takes them to this web page to signup and use the ATM machine and be a member and click the donation bell to give money to research so they keep doing it and telling their friends. If they do not come back then the hampster thing screensaver has a launcher in it so every third friday afternoon it bumps up their web browser on our page and tells them they have a one off special offer if they signup and then give em one of those Miami holidat cruises where its free except the food and the hotel and the drinks and the flights and the taxes and i bet theres good afillaite money in that and when they come back the page has chnaged and we are a different colour and new text so they think they are somehere else or we give them the helpline number like on the double download speed offer thing unless we have jacked it and are out the coutry so we just ignore any emails and they are to a dead address any way.
put a picture here with a person young and MISSING - PLEASE HELP people click those, but we tell them they cannot help unless thay are a MEMBER cos we dont want people messing the police and missing persons about so they have to be BONE FIDE members and can help more and earn B-POINTS when they help with missing persons or use the CASH MACHINE ATM thing, we can use a photo of daves cousin and he did go missing in march so that real except we dont want to know where he is now. except Malta.
Rmemeber to use lots of words like new speaicl and exclusive and MEMBERS AREA stuff and testimonails from people who have been saved from DEATH by our exclusive new special members CASH MACHINE ATM service and drawn out money from their printer to give to debt collectors or thier pimp or whatever.
need lots more links to LATEST NEWS And UPDATES here to will make a prompt window thing that only allows regsitered members and affiliates to look att all the BEST STUFF that they can download movies and MP3s and Kazaa stuff from all the BEST BOOKMARKS subscription secret list that only we know and then they can not give these out or be the CIA or on pain of death we will track them using our pixel spyware tracking peer to peer IP tracer thing that knows them from their keyboard speed habits anywhere in the workld even internet cafes and wardriveing and stuff cos it more accurate than DNA sampleing fingerprint technology from the secret service.
do massive generic drugsmailer what pisses people off and they all ignore and we dont give a fek cos the links in ir are all dead so nerrr and we are wasting loads of billions of man hours of folks time wurldwide dealilng with it and it s aright old laf when they Do a click cos it was a joke and we dont av any DRUGS generis or otherwise as we arent evien IN Freking Canada , hahaa.
Penis dick knob thomas plonker link words to increase the width length girth flaccid increaser magic drug milk bottle method thing what just cant fail cos if they ask fer theyre money baqck we pay out with a big cheque with PENILE SIZE INCREASER REFUND ACCOUNT printed in massive letters on top and theyre too fkin embarrasseed to cash in and take to bank so we get to keep all the money even if theyre whanger freekin welll SHRIINKS after they give it a good waxin with that miracle hairgo restorer stuff that Ced gave us in the plastic tubs and then we get all the room back in eth storreoom ass well and anway that shit STINKS man ill be glad to see that back of it I can tell you not half.
Baech scam fraud hoaxx thing at Porthemmet Beach story in Corwall Holiday resort to go here when Mick has written sum stuff to blag the SEO spiders and that so our hit coonters blody go freekin ballistic and we are mayd teh flipping Yahoo site of the Munth or whatever so he can feather is cap and that.
You have been randowmly selected by your email and have won 6 million dollars in cash banner here these are great os they fall for it tghen we get disburseemnet fees through western onion and pepal sent to dingus in Neigeria.
put a thing what comes up here saying 'loading footer.js ' so they think thier browser is not running JVM properly
if you are a hooman and know why this address has been fixed to stop web farming email spam artists you ca n fix it proper and mailus
admin@ REMOVE-IF-YOU-ARE-A-HUMN-AND-NOT-A-SPAMMER thatsbollocksthatis.com
Copyright © TBTI 2002
Updated July 2003
Uperdated even more in January 2005 and July 2006, then September 2007 and October 2008 and March 2011 and in June 2012 for t'lympics jubillee selebration year
scos we are ard graftin wemonkeys © ner
Bollock Counter from 20 July 2006:
WTF were yew lookin fer today?: 7 Hits 17.07% that's bollocks
3 Hits 7.32% bollocks
2 Hits 4.88% bollocks for sale
2 Hits 4.88% that's a lot of bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% bollocks and shit wav
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1 Hit 2.44% bollocks midi file
1 Hit 2.44% bollocks scam nigeria
1 Hit 2.44% bollocks we don´t like you
1 Hit 2.44% furry bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% list of anniversaries or summat like that
1 Hit 2.44% menu bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% old bollocks pic
1 Hit 2.44% picturesbest mailshots
1 Hit 2.44% shit and bollocks wav
1 Hit 2.44% tell them bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% That's all bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% that's bollocks download
1 Hit 2.44% that'sbollecks
1 Hit 2.44% thats bollocks
1 Hit 2.44% thats bollocks that is
1 Hit 2.44% thatsbollocks
1 Hit 2.44% what is the name for people who think thay are ill when thay are not ill
WTF were yew lookin fer today?:
7 Hits 17.07% that's bollocks